I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Mmmm canned fish.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.