I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My plans: 2020:
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*