@CarpentersCrack: I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE: Did you buy eggs? ME: Even better. I bought a goat. W: How is that better? M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
@bombsydoll: "I am not a human garbage disposal" *eats leftover mac n cheese anyway* *makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*
@illuminatedwndr: "Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account...?" hahahaha yeah, that'll go well