I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
this post was so formative to me
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
That’s it.I’m out.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.