I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
You Might Also Like
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Room with a view.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
seems like a niche market
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise