I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
You Might Also Like
Raisins are grape jerky.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*