I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
You Might Also Like
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.