No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
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Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.