I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
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Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Happy Caturday!
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from