How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
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Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*Seductively hides in the woods
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
<—- homeless romantic
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004