Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks