*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.