I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
A wise man once said nothing.