I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*