I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
new year update: losing everything but weight
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
i did the math
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
*frowns in Scottish*
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.