I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
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Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult