I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
You Might Also Like
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.