I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!