I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
You Might Also Like
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life