I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
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*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?