I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
You Might Also Like
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no