I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
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Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Safety first
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*aggressively waits in line*
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me too 😆
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.