*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
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my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Ain’t no way
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.