My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
You Might Also Like
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
that wasn’t the question
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Erm…
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes