It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
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ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I’m calling the cops.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
R.I.P.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
That 👊
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.