@dumbbeezie: I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
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@AmberDonn: Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.
@GayAtHomeDad: When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it's not, it's Jennitalia.
@GeorgiaSweet20: *walks into confessional, closes door and sits down* Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I've had a pretty wild week...