@dumbbeezie: I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
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@FlyJ_: I still don't understand why my boss didn't like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
@canadian_makin: Me: hello I've run out of toilet paper Front desk: oh I'm sorry for the inconvenience Me: oh no worries, but I've also run out of towels
@pleatedjeans: Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home