@dumbbeezie: I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
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@iQuoteComedy: If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.
@FrogAvalanche: *leads horse to water* "You're not gonna drink, are you?" *horse neighs* "It's The Fountain of Eternal Youth." Horse: You're not foaling me.
@AndyAsAdjective: *snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun* ME: let's hang some floral art décor!
@sixthformpoet: I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.