*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
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I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.