I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
What’s a Messi?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.