5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.