*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
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Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Stop being racist to kettles.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.