i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Thursday
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.