I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
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A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not