Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.