@FunnyCauseImFat: I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.
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@Ristolable: If I had a time machine I'd take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
@UnicornSyrup: WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON'T CLICK ON IT! It's a link to download the new Nickelback single
@personontheweb: we just got new auto insurance and my mom was supposed to text our agent pictures of her car:
@awkwardphilippe: [clown interview] Why become a professional clown? me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids