@FunnyCauseImFat: I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.
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@UncleDuke1969: To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine... Somebody has to say it. GRAPE JOKES AREN'T FUNNY.
@MooseAllain: Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
@upsidedowntrash: [carrot slice falls on the floor] Ah well I guess it's in the trash with you [potato chip falls on the floor] YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
@Real_Dick_Head: When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.