@FunnyCauseImFat: I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.
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@LucTabone: #IAmHonoredBy my 12 year old telling me he needs me. He wanted a new gadget of course but the thought was there.
@mstern68: Please don't be curly Please don't be curly Please don't be curly I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
@generaldietz: [Olive Garden] Me: *walks in* Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back. Me: Huh? Hostess: When you're here you're family.
@MouthOfSass: Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard. Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.