I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
The asteroid..
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”