I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
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Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.