“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
…u ok Nintendo?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Just me?
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.