“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”