I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
The game has officially changed 😎
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.