I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.