“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Pigeon open mic night.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”