I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”