I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
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*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me: