@turdfailure: I didn't get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
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@LeBearGirdle: Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
@LeonEarlgrey: I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
@Aspersioncast: What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.
@DrDogMD: NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick! DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don't you knock?!? *hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*