[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
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Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
This is my favorite one of these!
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags