i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Dead sexy!!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh