No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
You Might Also Like
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.