Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?