I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.