I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
We have a winner.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
What even happened today?
fixed it
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself