@omgthatspunny: I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
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@doctorveritas: "It's possible to touch birds!" I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
@jewfacekilla: MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.
@OfficialMizGin: My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious. The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down. I challenged him to a rap battle.
@WilliamRodgers: How to become a Saint 1: Become Catholic 2: Live an exemplary and pious life 3: Perform at least two miracles Or...Just Be Kanye's baby