@omgthatspunny: I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
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@drankturpentine: JOB INTERVIEWER: says you’re biggest weakness is typos? ME: actually that should say tide pods
@Chumpstring: genie: you have three wishes me: make firemen ugly genie: you got it me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well genie: ok me: take the big ladder off their truck genie: dude what’s your problem
@elvisknievil: My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.