I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
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[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
August 8
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*