I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
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Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.